1
00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:08,409
I'm off to the
movies with Carter.

2
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,743
What, no Jessie?

3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:10,911
Oh, she's hanging
with her folks.

4
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,613
They're are having a
family togetherness day.

5
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:13,914
Family togetherness.

6
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,850
[scoffs] Always some crazy
hippie thing with them, huh?

7
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:17,918
Yes, Dad.

8
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,487
They like to spend
time with one another

9
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,889
and are therefore crazy hippies.

10
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,824
Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.

11
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,159
Huh.

12
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:26,360
You thought you could take
me on the last turn, did you?

13
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,261
Please.

14
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,462
I lapped you, twice.

15
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:29,663
Sure you did.

16
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:30,831
Where have you two been?

17
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,266
You're supposed to be
buying potting soil.

18
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,501
We did.

19
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:34,902
We just stopped the go
cart track on the way back.

20
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:36,904
Actually, it was
on the way there.

21
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:37,938
Oh, no.

22
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,073
Hope the gardening
store's still open.

23
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,941
We were supposed to
spend the day gardening.

24
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,043
Jessie and I were going
to plant tulip bulbs.

25
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,044
We'll plant them later, Mom.

26
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:45,746
Dad just wanted to
have a little fun.

27
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,715
I don't need you
encouraging him.

28
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:48,716
You could have called.

29
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:49,750
Why would we call?

30
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,519
Go carting makes me nauseous.

31
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:54,488
Do you always have to act
like an overgrown teenager?

32
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:55,689
I'm not a teenager.

33
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:56,890
I'm Phil.
[laughing]

34
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,192
OK, look, Phil.

35
00:00:58,292 --> 00:00:59,927
I am all down with
the carpe diem,

36
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:02,163
the je ne sais quoi
and joi de vivre.

37
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,965
But at some point, you know, you
have got to have an off switch.

38
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,867
Sometimes, you just
need to just-- just--

39
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,001
Tend your own garden?

40
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:09,170
Nice.

41
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,738
You know what?

42
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:16,177
Sometimes I wish you
would act your age.

43
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:17,077
Oh.

44
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:22,616
Hm?

45
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,385
Well, what do you think of their
little communist utopia now,

46
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,286
huh?

47
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,861
[theme music]

48
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,530
THEME SONG: Can we find a
way that can be together?

49
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,971
Is there anyway that
we can be together?

50
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:48,409
And oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?

51
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:49,910
Yes, I do.

52
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,379
Yes, I do.

53
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,381
Yes, I do.

54
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:54,348
Yes, I do.

55
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:03,757
What's the big deal, Jessie?

56
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:04,958
I mean, it's not
like your parents

57
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,059
have never fought before.

58
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,495
But I've never seen
them argue like this.

59
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:08,429
I don't know to do.

60
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,330
Three words.

61
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,864
Stay out of it.

62
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,301
That's four words,
college dropout.

63
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:14,402
I can't stay out of it.

64
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,769
Dad was just being
dad, you know?

65
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:16,970
- Cool.
- No.

66
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,272
See, I don't get that.

67
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,241
I mean, I've barely spoken
to mine in like, six years.

68
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,141
Really?

69
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,142
What happened?

70
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,511
I turned 12.

71
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:24,612
My dad's different.

72
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:27,014
He can be pretty awesome
if Mom ever lets him.

73
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,148
She kind of does, Jess.

74
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:29,550
Most of the time.

75
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,285
She can't expect him
to just turn it off

76
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:33,187
whenever it suits her.

77
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:34,255
I'm talking to her.

78
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,123
You don't want to
get between a couple.

79
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,492
Unless they're twin gymnasts.

80
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,960
I'm not getting
between anything.

81
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,596
I'm just going to go to my
mom, talk to her rationally,

82
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,164
and tell her why she's wrong.

83
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,267
Uh, you might to rethink
the last part, cupcake.

84
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,002
I know exactly what I'm doing.

85
00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,838
Hey, roommates.

86
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,806
I can't believe Mom
actually kicked you out.

87
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,375
I was only trying
to make our case.

88
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,743
Confronting your
mom when she's upset

89
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,045
is like throwing chum to sharks.

90
00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:01,949
Only you're the chum, and
she's the shark that's

91
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,352
eating the chum that is you.

92
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:05,619
I get it.

93
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,087
So you'll be crashing on
the couch, if that's cool.

94
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,189
Hey, I can sleep
soundly lying upside down

95
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,158
naked on cement church stairs.

96
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,660
In fact, I have.

97
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,495
Yeah.
Right.

98
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:17,130
Seriously, this is just
one night, so this totally

99
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:18,031
doesn't have to be awkward.

100
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,171
Hm.

101
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,138
Well, I'm going to bed.

102
00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:26,039
OK.

103
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,145
SINGER: You don't
need to be saying

104
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:36,684
the words when I walk in the
door and look in your eyes.

105
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:39,520
[moaning]

106
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,855
Phil.

107
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,957
Did you just call me, Phil?

108
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,893
No, no, no.

109
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,160
Listen.

110
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,529
[muffled shouting]

111
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:49,997
Oh, you mean
Phil's in our house.

112
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:56,069
Why the heck is
Phil in our house.

113
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:56,970
I don't know.

114
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,171
Go get rid of him.

115
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,740
I'll deal with it tomorrow.

116
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,975
We don't want all those
oysters going to waste, do we?

117
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,243
[moaning]

118
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,946
Doesn't it kind of bother
you that Phil is up there?

119
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:06,980
Kind of.

120
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,048
But let's not let
this ruin the mood.

121
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,383
Come on.
- I don't know.

122
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:12,353
I just keep picturing his
hairy toes and his hairy back,

123
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:14,021
and his hairy--
- All right.

124
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:14,922
Enough.

125
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,290
[clapping]

126
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,327
And then your uncle spewed
his nachos and [inaudible]

127
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,994
all over Tara's rosemary bush.

128
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,464
Which you blamed on the
Morton's chihuahua, remember?

129
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:25,899
and She totally bought it,
because of that stomach disease

130
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:26,800
you made up.

131
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,701
What was it again?

132
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:28,836
Scorpina.

133
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,904
I named it after one of
the evil Power Rangers.

134
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,540
I remember how much
you like those villains.

135
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:36,344
There was Goldar and
Repulsa and Wayne Newton.

136
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,414
Oh, Tom's parents.

137
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,783
We wanted to give our ears
a break, so we hid it.

138
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,486
For a second there, I thought
you'd been indoctrinated.

139
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,321
I'd rather be waterboarded
with cough syrup

140
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,756
than listen to this.
Yikes.

141
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,358
You don't have to listen
to anything you don't

142
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,792
like as long as you are here.

143
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,361
Just be yourself.

144
00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:56,497
Speaking of being myself.

145
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:57,465
Oh, Dad.

146
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:58,699
No, you can't smoke one in here.

147
00:04:58,799 --> 00:04:59,833
Relax.

148
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:03,771
From down South, Cajun
alligator, extra spicy.

149
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:04,738
Illicit meat products.

150
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:05,639
Well-played.

151
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:16,650
Morning, Phil.

152
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,318
So you stayed over last night?

153
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,687
In our house.

154
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:22,322
Even though yours is--
well, it's right over there.

155
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,825
Just a little
turbulence [inaudible]..

156
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,694
Judith, will you excuse
us a second, please?

157
00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:28,929
Phil and I are going to have
a little one on one guy talk,

158
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,664
as we're prone to do.

159
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:31,565
I've never seen that.

160
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,466
Me neither.

161
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,701
Let's give it a whirl, huh?

162
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:40,874
So are you trying to
destroy my love life?

163
00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:41,909
Not consciously.

164
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,110
Well, then, what
the hell's going on?

165
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,545
It's no big deal, OK?

166
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:47,014
Tara got a little ticked because
I took Jessie go carting.

167
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,149
Sometimes she doesn't
get my boyish charm.

168
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,385
I doubt this is about
your boyish charm.

169
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:52,853
Sounds like it's
about your daughter.

170
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,087
- Really?
- Mm.

171
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,923
I suggest you tread lightly
with Tara on this one.

172
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:59,092
This calls for a real solution,
not a half-assed Phil fun.

173
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,429
Trust me on this one, but
if there's one thing I know

174
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:03,163
how to handle, that's women.

175
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,466
He's staying longer?

176
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:06,567
There was a slight hiccup.

177
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,902
And by hiccup, I mean
an even bigger fight.

178
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,971
I told you to stay out of it.

179
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,541
Look, I like your dad just
fine, but not his roommate.

180
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,843
And I told you,
my dad is cool.

181
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,611
He does tai chi
in his backyard

182
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,580
wearing smiley face
boxes, and I'm pretty

183
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:20,914
sure he's not being ironic.

184
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,783
Hey, I bought
him those boxers.

185
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,185
Yeah, well, they're a little
loose fitting for slow mo leg

186
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:26,386
lifts, if you know what I mean.

187
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,387
Relax, Tom.

188
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:29,056
You won't even notice
that he's there.

189
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:30,491
Since when we are
we into soy milk?

190
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,026
Dad's lactose intolerant.

191
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:33,927
What?

192
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,262
It's just one night.

193
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:37,130
And the Hindenburg
was just one flight.

194
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,166
Look, I had the afternoon off.

195
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,268
I was going to surprise
you with homemade pizza.

196
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,169
Really?

197
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,771
That's so sweet.

198
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:44,972
Can we postpone till tomorrow?

199
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,474
That way, you and Dad
will have a chance to get

200
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:47,541
to know each other better.

201
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:48,942
I've seen his testicles, Jess.

202
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,377
I know him better
than you think.

203
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,512
It'll be fine.

204
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:55,483
You two will get along
like old frat buddies.

205
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:59,453
[crunching]

206
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,898
[ticking]

207
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:15,435
Pork rind?

208
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:16,704
I'm Jewish.

209
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,907
[gasping] Yeah.

210
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:20,808
Whoa.

211
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:21,942
There goes my cell phone.

212
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,143
I didn't hear anything.

213
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:24,244
It's on vibrate.

214
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,885
[ring tone]

215
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:32,786
Hey.

216
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,755
911 in law in the attic.

217
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,457
I need you to drop everything
you're doing and get over here.

218
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,327
Don't you mean who I'm doing?

219
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,294
I'm kidding.

220
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:42,530
I'm serious, Carter.

221
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,764
OK, just relax.

222
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:44,665
Where are you?

223
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:45,733
I'm on the fire escape.

224
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,167
I can't go back in there.
It's two weird.

225
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,368
How weird?

226
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,903
Worse than the time your
mom dated your chemistry

227
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,039
and your biology teacher
at the same time.

228
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,173
OK.

229
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,976
Just listen, don't make
prolonged eye contact.

230
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:59,346
Find a mutual distraction,
like a computer or a radio.

231
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,280
Just make small talk.

232
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,448
I can't make small talk.

233
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:02,916
I talk about sex
when I get nervous.

234
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:03,817
What?

235
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:04,885
That's stupid, man.

236
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,253
Just watch.

237
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,355
Hey Tom, how's the weather?

238
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:09,422
Naked.

239
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:10,323
Oh.

240
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,192
I'll be right there.

241
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,628
[radio blasting]

242
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,565
They're called
Silent Destruction.

243
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:18,899
Huh?

244
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,469
Makes Nine Inch Nails sound
like a bunch of thumb tacks.

245
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:25,438
Ha ha, and check this out.

246
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,507
You haven't done the deed
until you've done it--

247
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:28,408
Dude.

248
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,410
Dude.

249
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,846
What the hell are you doing?

250
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:33,747
You're welcome.

251
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,857
What, did your father
forget his whoopee cushion?

252
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,025
I forgot my textbook.

253
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:45,926
And don't exaggerate.

254
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,194
He's not a teenager.

255
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,896
Jessie, you only get a
little bit of your father,

256
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:50,497
and a little goes a long way.

257
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,833
He's like blue cheese
or Robin Williams.

258
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:56,069
Dad's totally fun, and
you should take him back.

259
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,304
Not without an apology.

260
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,839
He already apologized.

261
00:08:58,939 --> 00:08:59,740
Yeah.

262
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:00,774
You know what he said?

263
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,910
He didn't say,
sorry, I screwed up.

264
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,212
He said, I'm sorry you're mad.

265
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,915
Well, maybe you're the one
who should be apologizing.

266
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,416
Did you ever think about that?

267
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:11,284
[whoopie cushion]

268
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,185
I'll just go.

269
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:20,594
Dude, you were
supposed to help

270
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,797
me deal with my father-in-law,
not humiliate him

271
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,465
Hey, it's not my
fault the old guy's

272
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,935
aging ears aren't up
to the awesomeness

273
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,069
of Silent Destruction.

274
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,403
Maybe it's 'cause
they're just watered

275
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:33,874
down Melvins with a little
early Sabbath thrown in.

276
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:34,775
Went back to the garage.

277
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:35,809
Picked up some real tunage.

278
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:36,710
I'm so sorry.

279
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,311
This-- this wasn't my idea.

280
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,147
I'm disappointed in
you, young Tom Walker.

281
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,415
Here, I thought you were the
brains behind the operation.

282
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,917
See, in my day, it was
get rid of the old guys

283
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,753
so we could steal his booze,
but you guys are all like,

284
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,955
get rid of the old guy
so we can play Xbox.

285
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,957
Same basic idea, but lamer.

286
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:50,858
You knew?

287
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,060
It's obvious as your cologne.

288
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,227
It's body spray.

289
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,129
So could we not
mention this to Jessie?

290
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,364
If you want me
to zip it, you're

291
00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,333
going to have to let the
old man play in the sandbox.

292
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:04,137
Or in this case, the Xbox.

293
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:05,806
- You ever play "Grand Theft?"
- Four or five?

294
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:06,707
Five's not out yet.

295
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,609
I know people.

296
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:12,813
Phil, Phil, Phil,
Phil, Phil, Phil.

297
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:14,014
I knew you guys
would get along.

298
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,048
Yeah, you're just in time.

299
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,017
Your dad so far has
killed 83 people.

300
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:17,918
Oh, cool.

301
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,086
Dad, can you scooch over?

302
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:20,320
Yeah, yeah, just
a second, Jess.

303
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:21,621
Oh, [inaudible].

304
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:22,990
Any more jerky?

305
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:24,591
Sorry, no, hon.

306
00:10:24,692 --> 00:10:25,959
[cheering]

307
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,829
I guess I'll just
go to bed and study.

308
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,731
Cool.

309
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:31,631
Yeah!

310
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:32,499
Oh, oh!

311
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:40,708
So this is your idea
of getting things done?

312
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:41,809
Relax, dude.

313
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,610
You said this calls
for a real solution?

314
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,778
These things take time.

315
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,113
Are you talking
about your relationship

316
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,815
or finishing "Grand Theft Auto."

317
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:50,517
In this case, "Grand Theft
Auto," but the other thing too.

318
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,920
I am taking this very seriously.

319
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,088
Very seriously.

320
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:58,458
Oh, forgot the beer bong.

321
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:01,729
[thumping]

322
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,063
No worries, Eva.

323
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,631
I think it's a good thing.
Good for Dad.

324
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:05,532
Good for Tom.

325
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:06,433
Good for me.

326
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:07,334
Call me later.

327
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:08,769
Bye.

328
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,637
[music playing]

329
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,539
[shouting]

330
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:13,440
Look at this wall.

331
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:14,341
It's ruined.

332
00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:15,575
Oh, come on.

333
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,144
A can of touch up, some
putty, it'll be good as new.

334
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:18,478
Yeah, your old
man's got it covered.

335
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:19,679
Hooked us up with some paint.

336
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,414
Yeah, except they didn't
have dreamweaver gray,

337
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,417
so I got white and
mixed it with a Sharpie.

338
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,287
You know, I spent a long time
arranging all this furniture.

339
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,522
Yeah, I kind of
felt bad about that,

340
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:32,159
but then your dad reminded me
that you like change it up.

341
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,761
Tom, I thought you were
gonna make that pizza.

342
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,028
Oh, can we postpone
till tomorrow?

343
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,496
Your dad's going to
take us to Big Willie's.

344
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,466
Home of the 72
ounce Porterhouse.

345
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:40,868
Finish it, it's free.

346
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,335
Dude, you're never
going to finish it.

347
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,236
Who cares?

348
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,137
It's free.

349
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:45,973
No, for the last time--

350
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,274
never mind.

351
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,108
But the whole
point was that we

352
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:48,842
were going to stay in tonight.

353
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,077
You know, alone?

354
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,544
But it's going
to be so much fun.

355
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:52,980
I just wish you
would have asked first.

356
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:53,881
Why would I ask?

357
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,282
You love surprises.

358
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:58,318
Plus, we wouldn't want to spill
pizza sauce on your dad's bed.

359
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,921
You're staying another night?

360
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,123
That's not a
problem, is it, kiddo?

361
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,057
Score.

362
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,926
Got your text.
What's up?

363
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:06,927
I can't live this way.

364
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:07,828
He's taking over.

365
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:08,728
You're right, Eva.

366
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,697
I've created a monster.

367
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:11,932
A Dadster.

368
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,000
A monsdad.

369
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:13,901
A mom--

370
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:15,035
It's no working, doll face.

371
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,703
The point is,
you got to help me.

372
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:17,905
I want him out.

373
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,075
Well, what about sarcasm?

374
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,244
Isn't that what you use to
keep your dad out of your life?

375
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,514
Honey, my daddy issues run
deeper than the Grand Canyon.

376
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,116
Sarcasm is just
an hors d'oeuvres.

377
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:30,650
Well, how would
you handle this?

378
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:35,622
I'd expose his insecurity,
pump him full of hope,

379
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,691
and then machine gun him
limp with laser sharp barbs.

380
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:39,592
Yes.

381
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:40,794
To the barb part.

382
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:41,694
And the lasers.

383
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:42,830
Whatever gets rid of Dad.

384
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:43,730
No.

385
00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:44,898
See that's what I'd do.

386
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:46,666
But you like your dad.

387
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,401
You don't use a wrecking
ball to hammer a nail.

388
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:52,272
Well, at least give me
something-- a tidbit, a scheme.

389
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:56,676
The enemy of your
enemy is your friend.

390
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,448
Flowers.

391
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:02,950
Jessie, how thoughtful.

392
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:04,484
I just figured having
my dad upstairs

393
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:08,889
must be pretty hard, so I wanted
to do something as a thank you.

394
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,057
Well, what's the
deal with these?

395
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,591
Is he allergic?
- No.

396
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:12,960
- So how do they get rid of him?
- They don't.

397
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,427
Well, it's not much
of a thank you, is it?

398
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:15,595
Ben.

399
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:19,499
Oh, you guys don't
want my dad here?

400
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:20,800
Are you new?

401
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,936
What would possibly make you
think that we enjoy having

402
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,204
that man living upstairs?

403
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,505
I just assumed
that's why you haven't

404
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,641
been playing any Wayne Newton.

405
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:29,877
We're not following.

406
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,478
My dad hates Wayne Newton.

407
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:34,481
I've actually been missing
my Wayne Newton for weeks.

408
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,016
Must have got mixed
up in the laundry.

409
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:36,917
I'm late for class.

410
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:37,817
Ciao.

411
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,425
OK, boys.

412
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,128
[wayne newton playing]

413
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,229
What the hell is that?

414
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,700
Make the Wayne stop.

415
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:54,935
I'll take care of this.

416
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,044
Oh, hey Phil.

417
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,645
Hope it's not too loud.

418
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:06,546
No.

419
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:07,915
No, not too loud at all.

420
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,890
Hey, Mom.
Dad back yet?

421
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:18,291
- Why would he be back?
- I don't know.

422
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,327
I just figured he might be
getting a little tired of me.

423
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:21,895
Oh, you sure that's
not the other way around?

424
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,897
No.
No, Dad's fun.

425
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:24,898
Always has been.

426
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:27,767
[chuckles] That's
right, sweetie.

427
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:32,439
At least that's what Bend
and Judith seem to think.

428
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:33,907
Oh, no.

429
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:37,344
[wayne newton playing]

430
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,485
Close the window, Jess.

431
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:46,920
It's too bright.

432
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:51,558
Look at that.

433
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:52,625
Pair of queens.

434
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,061
Read 'em and weep,
ladies and gentlemen.

435
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,695
This pot is mine.

436
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:56,964
I'm sorry, Phil.

437
00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,198
[scoffing]

438
00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,933
Oh, look at you.

439
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:00,833
American Airlines.

440
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,569
It's nicely played, Judith.

441
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:03,603
Anyone for a drink?

442
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:04,537
What's going on?

443
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:05,805
Oh, we're playing
Texas Hold 'Em.

444
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:06,739
Grab a chair.

445
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,075
And what's with
the Wayne Newton?

446
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,476
It actually goes
pretty well with poker.

447
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:10,743
Yeah, it's got a really um--

448
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:11,979
how'd you put it again, Phil?

449
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,846
Retro kitsch factor.

450
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:15,682
And you're OK with this?

451
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:18,051
You know how much
we love our Vegas.

452
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,252
Absolutely.

453
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:20,653
And a new friend of Mr
Newton's a friend of ours.

454
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:21,554
Crank it.

455
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:22,889
Oh, yeah.

456
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:23,856
All right.

457
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:24,824
Let's get some poker action.

458
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,726
[wayne newton playing louder]

459
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:29,596
[chattering]

460
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,531
[laughing]

461
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,806
Eva, it's me.

462
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,274
Deploy the wrecking ball.

463
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,948
Yeah, you better not
be one of those quit

464
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,283
while you're ahead fellows.

465
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:51,184
I hope not.

466
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,586
We have one more joining us.

467
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,361
Nice tunes.

468
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,396
I didn't know Elvis and Robert
Goulet had a love child.

469
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:04,864
I dig the Marilyn Manson tee.

470
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,733
Didn't know the '90s were back.

471
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,535
Everyone, you know Eva.

472
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:09,602
Please go easy on her.

473
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,304
She's new to poker.

474
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,239
Oh, just watch us.

475
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,073
You might pick up
a thing or two.

476
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,007
Huh?

477
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:15,442
[chuckling]

478
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:19,846
Uh, just watch us.

479
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:21,181
You might pick up
a thing or two.

480
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,849
Shut up, Tom.

481
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:26,419
I'll see the middle-aged
white guy and raise him 10.

482
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,088
I'll see the
over-caffeinated Bettie

483
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,990
Page wannabe and raise her 10.

484
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:31,991
Hm.

485
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,260
I didn't know a
mid-life crisis could

486
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,361
start so late in the game.

487
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:37,297
See your 10, raise you 20.

488
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:38,698
Eva, what's with the 'tude?

489
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:41,101
I can handle this.

490
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,570
I know you're not supposed to
raise your hand to a child,

491
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,705
but I raise you 20.

492
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:51,144
Your humor runs the gamut
from A to B. Raise you 50.

493
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:58,185
All in.

494
00:16:58,285 --> 00:16:59,086
Ow.

495
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:05,092
Full house.

496
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,893
Straight.

497
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:10,630
Well, I guess we're done here.

498
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:11,698
They're all leaving.

499
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:12,865
That was incredible.
- I'm not done yet.

500
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:13,766
Come on.

501
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:17,904
Now this next part
could get ugly.

502
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,272
If you don't want to
see your father cry,

503
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,074
I suggest you scatter.
- OK.

504
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,442
Meet me at The Veg
when you're done.

505
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,610
We're so going to celebrate.

506
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,445
[laughing]

507
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:28,915
All right.

508
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:29,916
Listen up, Tubs.

509
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:31,284
What I'm about to
say may hurt, so--

510
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,252
You're good with words.

511
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:33,153
Excuse me?

512
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,421
Back there on the table.

513
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:35,455
I dug the repartee.

514
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,224
Like battling wits
with Dorothy Parker.

515
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:38,125
Really?

516
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,058
Really.

517
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,693
You ever thought
of being a writer?

518
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:42,995
Yeah, my dad used
to say the same thing.

519
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,864
Your dad's a wise man.

520
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:48,034
I got to go to
the hardware store.

521
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:51,538
Um, mind if I tag along?

522
00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,873
I need a--

523
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:54,774
Gorilla glue.

524
00:17:58,978 --> 00:17:59,779
What you do?

525
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,781
Pack his bags for him too?

526
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,783
Oh, he's not.

527
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:04,717
What?

528
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,319
He's not ready yet, Jessie.

529
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,855
And a man like that
shouldn't be pushed.

530
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:14,093
He's very complex.

531
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:14,994
Oh, my god.

532
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,763
You have a crush on my dad.

533
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:17,797
I do not have a crush.

534
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:18,931
You do too.

535
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:22,735
Look at you, twirling
your hair all girlishly.

536
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,371
I like the way he smells, OK?

537
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:25,338
Ew.

538
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,440
He's got this
intoxicating mixture

539
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,909
of woodchips and pear soap.

540
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,311
I might vomit.

541
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,380
But for the record, know that
I would never, ever act on it.

542
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,347
Good.

543
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,749
Now, while he's
still with your mom.

544
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,017
How's that going anyway?

545
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:43,956
You.

546
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:45,992
Coming in here with your
music, and your charm,

547
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,195
and your pear soap.

548
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:50,096
How dare you take
away my friends

549
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:51,564
and turn my life upside down.

550
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,700
I'm just being myself.
isn't that what you want?

551
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,669
What I want is for
you to act your age.

552
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:57,604
Wow.

553
00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,138
You really sound
like your mother.

554
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,973
[grunting]

555
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:08,781
You said you won't take
Dad back without an apology.

556
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,551
I think that apology
should come to me.

557
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,452
You were right about Dad.

558
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,754
How do you do it?

559
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,056
[sighing] I
don't exactly know.

560
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,958
All I know is it's harder
to live without him

561
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:20,260
than it is with him.

562
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,361
I'm sorry.

563
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:22,562
I never should have
come between you guys.

564
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,197
For what it's worth,
I guess I just--

565
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,798
I kind of overreacted.

566
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,133
Maybe I was jealous.

567
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:28,067
Of what?

568
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,469
Come on, Jess.

569
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,371
I see the way that you two are
both sticking up for each other

570
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:32,772
all the time.

571
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,475
I mean, like the time that your
uncle puked in my rosemary bush

572
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:36,809
and you blamed it on that mutt.

573
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:37,844
You knew about that?

574
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,078
Come on.

575
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,113
Chihuahuas don't eject three
times their body weight.

576
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:42,649
So why didn't
you call us on it?

577
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:45,785
Because I love what
the two of you have.

578
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,987
But if you're going to use
a Power Ranger as stomach

579
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:49,756
ailment, make sure
it's not one that's

580
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,425
on a poster in your bedroom.

581
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,393
You know, Dad's fun.

582
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:55,061
He's Phil.

583
00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:57,330
But you're my mom.

584
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,599
Hey, don't tell your father I
know about the puking incident,

585
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:00,633
OK?

586
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,302
I know how he loves
to play the rebel.

587
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,403
You know, it's funny.

588
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:04,771
We never would have had
this talk about Dad,

589
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:08,708
so in his own bumbling
way, this was his doing.

590
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:11,043
To think he has no idea.

591
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:13,145
[laughing]

592
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:16,115
So should we like,
hug it out or something?

593
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:23,390
All right.
Here.

594
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:24,291
Plant.

595
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:29,896
Lance

596
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,264
Oh, that's right, baby.

597
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:32,865
I'm Phil.

598
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:36,269
[chuckling]

599
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:39,639
[wayne newton playing]

600
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:43,710
Do you forgive me?

601
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:46,045
Only if you can
the Wayne Newton.

602
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,214
It's kind of growing on me.
You?

603
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:49,115
No.

604
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:57,890
A little something I
picked up on my travels.

605
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,326
[punk music playing]

606
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:00,560
Digging Dig it.

607
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,895
You naughty boy.

608
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,364
Well, indeed I am.

609
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:12,572
Something's not working.

610
00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:13,640
Oh, it's working.

611
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,443
- No, the music.
- You're right.

612
00:21:16,543 --> 00:21:19,045
Silent Destruction is
so one sentence ago.

613
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:25,318
Retro's the way, baby.

614
00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:29,255
[wayne newton playing]

615
00:21:51,411 --> 00:21:53,112
[laughing]

616
00:21:53,212 --> 00:21:57,049
[theme music]

617
00:21:57,099 --> 00:22:01,649
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0